{"id":2034,"date":"2018-01-24T09:22:16","date_gmt":"2018-01-24T15:22:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/?p=2034"},"modified":"2018-01-24T09:22:16","modified_gmt":"2018-01-24T15:22:16","slug":"sleeplessnightramblings","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/2018\/01\/24\/sleeplessnightramblings\/","title":{"rendered":"SleeplessNightRamblings"},"content":{"rendered":"
12\/11\/17<\/div>\n
I am sad and angry and I wish I had bigger words to use to explain my sadness and anger, but I feel like they\u2019ll do just fine for all intents and purposes.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
(4:46a.m) This is a simple reminder to myself that moving schools is hard and complicated. Life is hard and complicated.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
My mind is running and wondering but my fingers can\u2019t type fast enough or correctly enough to keep up. I feel like this happens to me a lot and that\u2019s why I\u2019m a more subdued person. My tongue never keeps up with the thoughts that run through my head, therefore it\u2019s easier to be silent and just listen. Ponder all the things that are said and stock them away for later evaluation.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Lemonade is awake with me again. She has a fever. She can\u2019t go home because she\u2019s missed too many days. July is also awake because she\u2019s afraid if she goes to sleep her heart will stop working. I suggested trying to turn it off and back on again. She declined.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
The older I get the harder I realize life is, which is weird considering my life now if drastically more comfortable than it was when I was younger. Maybe I didn\u2019t realize the things that were happening when I was little. Maybe they didn\u2019t seem that bad because I didn\u2019t see them at all.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Suppress, repress, success.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Maybe that\u2019s not the best motto for getting through life. It\u2019s worked so far. To an extent, I suppose. I\u2019m not the most rounded person in the world, in terms of psychological health.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
I\u2019m on the floor now. Lemonade made me hot. She is cold. It\u2019s the fever.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
(4:58a.m)<\/div>\n
I\u2019m worried. People around me are unhappy and it\u2019s worrisome because I have a ‘protect now, ask questions later’ kind of personality. I don\u2019t know what to protect them from. Growing up? Getting older? Preservatives? Everything in between?<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
My brother got all of the competitive genes. He tells me the only competitive bone I have in my body is my pinky toe. I agree. My mom agrees. God has nodded his approval.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
It makes it really hard to get involved any sort of sport, obviously. That\u2019s why I\u2019m Active, not Athletic. That\u2019s why I run. I pretend that I\u2019m physically and theoretically out-stepping my problems. And the cookies in my dorm room.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
July has closed all tabs and is in the process of update and restart. Lemonade is on vine compilation number 7. The rug smells funny.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
I need to stop doing this to myself intentionally . It wakes up my insomnia. He\u2019s been hibernating for a few months now. I say \u2018he\u2019 because to cope with odd things that are for some reason hard to talk about, I give them names. My insomnia is a he and his name is Adam because every Adam that I have come into contact with is tiring and obnoxious. (Disregard if you know a pleasant Adam, I speak only from personal experience.)<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Please do not judge me for this abnormal coping mechanism. I know it\u2019s weird.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Some of the things I am writing right now will never see the light of anything but the notes on my phone. Isn\u2019t that weird? There could be paragraphs that you don\u2019t even realize you\u2019re not reading.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
These paragraphs are odd and probably incoherent with no point or plot or meaning. Merely my internal ramblings that I have no one to share with at the moment, if I would even share them at all.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Lemonade is rebooting. I hope that if, and when, I attempt to post this as a blog it won\u2019t seem like terrible writing, even though that\u2019s exactly what it is.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
One day I\u2019ll be able to talk about un-talked about things without being self-conscious. I\u2019ll take a page out of Jackson\u2019s book and be honest with someone, maybe even the whole blog, about what I think and feel. But feelings are a new and foreign thing for me. I say that not to sound \u2018edgy\u2019 or \u2018cool\u2019 but because I\u2019m learning what you call \u2018emotional range\u2019 and like Adam, it\u2019s exhausting. (5:25a.m)<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
I might try to sleep now.\u00a0 My eyes and head hurt. Geometry is gonna suck. I want to call my grandma. (5:35a.m)<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
I am just remembering now that I have made the probably bad decision to text not one, but four people things that I will probably not regret in the morning.<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
(6:02a.m)<\/div>\n
I\u2019m definitely calling my grandma tomorrow- today.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

12\/11\/17 I am sad and angry and I wish I had bigger words to use to explain my sadness and anger, but I feel like they\u2019ll do just fine for all intents and purposes. (4:46a.m) This is a simple reminder to myself that moving schools is hard and complicated. Life is hard and complicated. My … Continue reading “SleeplessNightRamblings”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":24,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2034"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/24"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2034"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2034\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2311,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2034\/revisions\/2311"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2034"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2034"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2034"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}