I’m not going to call what I’m feeling depression because I haven’t been diagnosed by someone that has any authority to, but I don’t feel how I used to.\u00a0 I don’t feel inspired to do things the way that I can so vividly remember having been.\u00a0 I don’t know why.\u00a0 Nothing’s changed externally.\u00a0 By all accounts, I should feel no different, but still, I feel this sadness inside of me that I cannot explain.\u00a0 I’m not suicidal.\u00a0 I don’t want to stop living.\u00a0 There’s so much more in this world that I still want to experience, but at the same time, I don’t feel like doing anything.\u00a0 I hold out hope that this will pass.\u00a0 I’ve felt like this before and it has always gone away before, but with that knowledge, I know that it’ll always be right around the corner waiting for me no matter what.\u00a0 I can’t fight it off.\u00a0 I just have to sit there and let it beat me until it gets bored and leaves, but I know that it leaving is only a break for it.\u00a0 At any moment it could resume its constant torture.\u00a0 All I can do is try to keep living the way that I was when it wasn’t there, but it only produces a cheap imitation.\u00a0 I’m sure someone will notice it eventually, but I don’t know.\u00a0 Maybe they won’t, and I just notice because I know the way that I should be.\u00a0 Maybe they have noticed and have chosen to not do anything.\u00a0 I don’t think I even want help.\u00a0 They couldn’t help if they tried, honestly, but knowing that they were trying would mean something.\u00a0 I don’t know if I would try.\u00a0 I could say that maybe I don’t understand what it’s like or what to do, but that’s a lie.\u00a0 I know more than I can even express of what it’s like, but in the end, I might just be too selfish to concern myself with the whole thing.\u00a0 Maybe I wouldn’t even notice because I’d be too concerned with myself.\u00a0 Maybe that’s what it is.\u00a0 Maybe everyone is too busy paying attention to themselves to see the way that I am.\u00a0 I can’t even blame them.\u00a0 I know that I’m no better.\u00a0 Maybe this whole thing was just a way to justify my own selfishness, or maybe it was a cry for pity.\u00a0 I don’t know, and I don’t think it’d change anything if I did.\u00a0 I really just know that I hate myself sometimes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I’m not going to call what I’m feeling depression because I haven’t been diagnosed by someone that has any authority to, but I don’t feel how I used to.\u00a0 I don’t feel inspired to do things the way that I can so vividly remember having been.\u00a0 I don’t know why.\u00a0 Nothing’s changed externally.\u00a0 By all … Continue reading “Pointless”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":17,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1104"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/17"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1104"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1104\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2662,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1104\/revisions\/2662"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1104"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1104"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.msabrookhaven.org\/literary\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1104"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}