Timera Gaston – Literary Arts Blogspace

Album Review: BTS Edition! Pt 1.

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Behind The Scenes of BTS

BTS: A Korean Boy group (Idol Group) consisting of seven members (From oldest to youngest) Kim Seokjin (Jin) , Min Yoongi (Suga) , Jung Hoseok ( J-Hope), Kim Namjoon (RM), Park Jimin (Jimin), Kim Taehyung (V), Jeon Jungkook (Jungkook). They debuted in 2013 and has have a steady growth and success rate thus far. They have recently release their new album (Map of Soul: Persona) and I am here to explain and break down the songs and my own personal meaning and reviews of the mini album.

Tracklist:

Intro: Persona (pt. 1)
Boy With Luv (pt. 1)
Mikrokosmos (pt. 1)
Make It Right (pt. 1)
HOME (pt. 2)
Jamias Vu (pt 2.)
Dionysus (pt 2.)

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Intro Persona:

“Someone like me ain’t good enough for music
Someone like me ain’t good enough for the truth
Someone like me ain’t good enough for a calling
Someone like me ain’t good enough to be a muse
The flaws of mine that I know
Maybe that’s all I’ve got really
The world is actually not interested in my clumsiness at all”

– Kim Namjoon

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Intro: Persona -Music Video ft. Kim Namjoon (RM)

Intro: Persona is exactly what it says. The intro. BTS always have intros to their albums that sets the mood for the rest of the song. This time it was created by their leader, who is known to be very wise and very aware of himself as man and the influence that he possess. Which is a great way to start this album. He has such a strange personal connection to himself and I wondered if this album was going to be an answer to the questions he was asking himself for years, considering that he is the one who writes majority of the song lyrics. The song itself starts off with a very prominent up beat hip-hop vibe. Then it circles in to RM’s first rapping lyrics. It starts with him questioning himself, but not surprisingly ends with a statement of something he knows he can fulfill. The song to me is extremely nice and gives homage to his older rapping styles before BTS as a whole became as popular as they are now. It is, hands down, one of my favorites songs from the album. The high paced fast rapping makes me want to dance and the emotion I can hear as he continues gives me chills. It proves that he’s getting better at accepting himself and that he is highly aware of what people are saying, but that he’ll keep on looking ahead at the coming future and leave the past where it lies.

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Boy With Luv:

(Hope world, ay)
Everyone says that I used to be so little and now I became a hero(Oh no)
I say that something like destiny was never my thing (Oh no)
World peace (No way)
A great order (No way)
I’m just gonna keep you safe
(Boy with luv)

– Jung Hoseok ft. BTS

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Boy with Luv – Music Video ft. BTS and Halsey

Boy With Luv – This song is a trip from start to finish. Not only is it a absolute bop but it’s fun song that I feel anyone can sit back and just listen to on a car ride with the windows rolled down and their hair, or lack thereof, flowing in the wind. BTS has a least one fun song, and this time it happened to be the first group song of the album. It also features another artist, Halsey, who is known for her interesting, and sometimes controversial, songs and videos. (Fun Fact: Halsey has been a fan of BTS since 2015!) It gives me a chill 90’s vibe and I am infatuated with it to say the least. It’s a normal everyday song, paying respect to their fans for helping them through everything and the traditional riffs and beats any song would have. Basically, it’s a song I can listen to on repeat for a couple of years before I actually have the audacity to skip it.

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Mikrokosmos:

You got me
I dream while looking at you
I got you
Inside those pitch black nights
The lights we saw in each another
Were saying the same thing

– Park Jimin/Jeon Jungkook

This song is not one I can spend time again and again listening to. This song to me is a mood song. A song almost made, for me in particular, for a certain feeling or mood. t’s very sweet, and soft, but it also has it’s own somewhat up beat portion. Though listening to it just makes me sad. I haven’t an idea why, but it gives me a bitter sweet feeling. Maybe because in a way it’s suppose to be bitter sweet. I look up to all the boys in BTS but I can only give so much and they can only give so much, but together we can make a difference. Which I think is the meaning of the song. The song just puts me in my feelings and it’s a great example of why I love the band as a whole. Not many songs can force me to feel so much from the first 10 seconds like they can.

*The title Mikrokosmos references the ancient Greek philosophy of microcosm, the perception of viewing humans as their own little world or mikros kosmos. – (https://genius.com)*

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Make It Right

You are still beautiful
Just hold me silently like you did that day, that time
The reason I survived in hell
It’s for you, it was not for me
If you know, don’t hesitate and please save my life
I’m thirsty wandering this desert without you
So hurry and grab me quickly
I know the sea without you is the same as a desert

– Min Yoongi

Make It Right is a collaboration BTS did with Ed Sheeran. Ed Sheeran wrote the song and BTS interpreted it and added the Korean and English respectively. This one is almost like jazz? It has a very smooth feel to it and it seems to be something that was made specifically for calming tense nerves. It feels like i’m finally getting better after a particularity bad cold. It leaves something sitting in my chest and it feels nice to say the least, but it also feels bitter sweet again, similar to Mikrokosmos. Because, from what I read, the meaning it supposed to be about someone who is trying to make the word a better place. But that takes time and people, and you might never get to witness your plants grow. The seeds being planted doesn’t even mean it’ll make it that far. Which hurts my soul a lot more than it should.

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The last 3 songs i’ll review in pt 2. I split them up because this blog is getting fairly long, but also, I feel last three have their own vibes, somewhat separate form the rest of the songs in the album. They live in their own word if i’m being honest. Not to mention the last ones have such a unique feel that I may have to say more by default.

Song Review: Intro III by NF part 2

This is Part two for Intro III by NF: For the second part it breaks it down more, in a since NF begins to become “free” and begins to get rid of a unnecessary weight. I would consider this part my favorite because of the shift in mood, intensity, and flow.

(NF and NF’s “Fear”)

Aye, where is my shovel at?

*(Already. It begins to show a power struggle leaning on the side of the “underdog – NF)

Prolly out back—where it always is

You can’t get rid of all of me!

I’m the reason why—

Nah, shut up, I don’t wanna hear another sentence

*(NF is seems to be giving”fear” a way to give up or maybe save itself?)*

Hey, I’m NF

“Is it me or the fear talkin’?” Ha! What a dumb question!

Yeah, it’s real music ’til the day we die, right?

Yeah, ain’t that the slogan, Nathan?

Thought I told you to keep your mouth shut

I mean, so what? You know I never listen

Let me guess, we gon’ dig a hole, kill the track, and prolly put a beat in it

Rap about it for like three minutes

Ayy, that’s pretty deep, isn’t it?

Wait a minute, you don’t really think for a second that you’re puttin’ me in this?

No, of course not, just a little deeper then we’ll go inside and we can stop diggin’ (woo)

You had me scared for a second, I thought we were diggin’ my grave [thunk]

We did, what, you don’t like bein’ afraid?

*(You kinda have to listen to the song to understand this part a little bit. But for background knowledge in the audio it sounds like a body hitting the ground. This is when things completely shift into NF’s territory. This is the moment of pure clarity between the two. It’s a who towers over who dynamic.)

Here’s a dose of your own medicine

What, you don’t like how it tastes?

My therapist told me don’t bury my issues, but I’ma be honest, man, I’m feelin’ great! (great)

I think it’s only right we go back to where you were created

I wrote a song for Johnny without you, but he ain’t gon’ like it, let’s see how he takes it (takes it)

He probably don’t even remember us, does he?

*(A man becoming a monster. He takes “Fear” and forces him t0 take in what he has to deal with. But if it’s an embodiment of the thing itself doesn’t it have to go through it everyday? In the since of fear feeling pure fear everyday but assuming things that the one thing that can truly terrify “Fear” to the bone is the moment it was completely forgotten, or left behind. By the person who created it.)*

I wish I was buryin’ anger

But both of us know I’ma need him for that song, he still lives in the basement

Almost done, shoulda done this a year ago, I don’t know why I waited

You know how I get, I put everything off in my personal life, you hear what I’m sayin’?

That was a joke, yeah, it’s hilarious, ain’t it?

You’ll spend the rest of your life in my backyard or back of my mind, depends how you see it

Put the shovel away, time to go back in the house now, you’ll be out in a week

Tellin’ me you want your room back, that’s funny; what, you ain’t got nowhere to sleep?

I’ma just look out the window and laugh at you, this is crazy to me

‘Cause I thought you had me in prison this whole time, but I’m the one holdin’ the keys

*(Pure assurance within the self that you got rid of the thing that has always clung to you as a child, a teen, and even an adult. Something so big and bad that even the thought of it could reduce him to his knees, conquered and buried and left behind. But things like this only fester. And through the climax of the song i believe he knows this and awaits the moment when “Fear” comes back full force. Nothing can stay away forever and it will one day crawl from the hole and once again enter his “Mansion.” This whole thing to me both sections was what i feel everyone wants to do, but NF in particular tries his best to reach out to his followers and show them the, not so glamorous, life of living with mental issues that tear you down from the inside out and reconstructs your whole lives, Fear will return and the final line and some lines before that one shows that this cannot be a permanent placement. He put nothing over the whole. He doesn’t even try. Because he knows, deep down, that he’s going to need fear again one day. It filed some part of him and he can’t keep that part closed forever.)*

Song Review: Intro III by NF part 1

*I’m cutting this into three parts (Pun intended) because the song is fairly long.

Off the bat, the first thing I was interested in was that the song was split into “Two parts” Nathan and Nathans fear. This isn’t the first song I have seen a personification of an emotion, but this is one of the few songs which the host of said emotion actually overcomes it, though in this case, I think it was in an unhealthy way, nonetheless the emotion he possess while he’s speaking to himself is very powerful to me. Fear owns this section of the song it doesn’t matter what Nathan wants fear will always get what he wants, right?

(NF’s Fear)

What, are you scared of me? It’s embarassin’
If it wasn’t for me, you would’ve never wrote Therapy
I’ve been here for you, but how come you’re never there for me?
It’s a little bit twisted, but I miss when you and I had scary dreams

*It’s clear that Fear is a strong character that seems to take the reigns from the beginning. This to me is a way to showcase that fear is the first one to greet anyone and that it has remained close to NF throughout his life. Fear has lingered since he was a kid.

(NF)

I don’t really wanna talk about it

*I think everyone has had an instance when they have spoken to themselves. Trying to silence the voices in their head from taking over and making themselves worse.

(NF’s Fear)

Well, that’s too bad now, Nate,

(NF)

shut up!

*Another show of force from NF even though he seems to be still playing it fairly passive at this point. He doesn’t want to listen to himself anymore but he can’t help that. he has made this fear as strong as it is now and he has to face it eventuall

(NF Fear)

Now where were we? Way back in the day when
You and I had it all mapped out in the basement
Cryin’ in your room like a baby

*At this point, i think when fear begins to lose a bit of his hold over NF.

(NF)

I wish mom was here

*Through a majority of his songs he mentions his mother. He seems to have had a great but rocky relationship with her and seems to dedicate himself to her in a way for a source of comfort.

(NF’s Fear)

We all do so we wouldn’t have to hear about it
Every single record you don’t really wanna change me
Yeah, I’m the on that made this happen
Do you really wanna get rid of your main attraction?
Let’s pack our bags and go back to Gladwin now
Yeah, it’s time for the third record
And you know I got the content
I don’t wanna make you nervous
But it ain’t like it used to be
We got a lotta people watchin’
You told me that you don’t want me in your life
That’s pretty hard to digest
And I told you I’d leave when we die, and we ain’t died yet

*This is when I question if Fear itself is kinda regretting the fact that NF hates him? During the actual song, he seems frustrated and angry that NF refuses to accept that he is apart of his life whether he likes it or not he is him. In a way, I think Fear doesn’t want to die or be forgotten.

Therapy Session was beautiful, Nate, but I’m wonderin’ what’s comin’ next
Yeah, get that stupid hat off of your head when I’m talkin’ to you, you hear what I said

*I feel that Fear is feeling disrespected at that he’s at this point in time not being taken as seriously as he wants to be.

You don’t like the prison I built you?
Yeah, you wanna know what the funny thing is?
You keep on talkin’ to me like a stranger, but we’ve been together since you were a kid
Took us from a no-name
Told you everything was okay
Now you tryna cut me out of it like I ain’t never been a part of it
I am the heart of it, I made this whole thing

*Fear created him. Fear is what made him what he is today. is it possible to cut off parts of yourself that you don’t like? At what cost?

Yeah, I put us on the dope stage
You must have no brain
What’s the point of having guns if you can’t aim?
What’s the point of having blood with no vein?
What’s the point of having love with no pain?
What I’m sayin’ is me without you doesn’t make any sense
I know I’m intense in controlling, but you need to learn how to cope with it
That’s just the way that it is
If you didn’t want me to live in your house, you shouldn’t have let me move in

*In Previous song Fear snuck in. NF never really intended for it to happen and that was the last time he left his “Mansion” and after that he decided to stay within the building to stop other things from getting out or getting back in.

It’s comfortable here and I like it, I got my own room and everything
It don’t get better than this!
You say you wanna own your life, then wake up and take your own advice
You just mad ’cause you know I’m right
Yeah, I’m flattered you put me in Mansion, but you should’ve told ’em right
‘Bout your hands on the coldest nights
You didn’t tell ’em ’bout the times you and I used to hold he mic
I mean, what are you, outta your mind?
‘Cause both of us will be
Come on, let’s go outside!

*Fear tries to take control again and forces NF to face his biggest challenge which is to go back outside. His biggest fear is facing the light and seeing everything that he was trying to avoid.

Is this what you wanted?
Both of us out in the open? Let’s do it then
I mean, why are you doin’ this?
I know that you’re mad, but I’m not in the mood for this
We got a record to drop
So why you actin’ like I’m not a part of it?

*Fear goes back to trying to reason with NF he wants him to see his point of view. “You need me to write. You need me to live. You need me” But forcing someone to get over their biggest fear doesn’t cripple them it makes them stronger. Fear and NF willingly/Unwillingly helped him get over his self in a way.

I’m cutting it here because the dynamic completely changes for the other parts. This song is similar to a story it has a beginning, a climax, and an end. For the beginning, I truly enjoyed the conversation and liked the insight into his two parts of himself. Fear seems humanized in a way. He isn’t this giant looming figure, he’s just a voice that taunts and picks NF apart but even Fear can be defeated in a way. Fear feels insecurities Fear even feels fear which was a breath of fresh air to witness for the next two-part i will dive into.

Post Modern Trauma

Hey. If you’re reading this then you might need some cheering up in your life. Maybe you need something that makes getting up in the morning a little more worth it. Or something a little more soothing before work, school, or any other activities that vary throughout the day. Anyway, back to the topic at hand -inspiration, and my tangle with the people of the world.

Ever since my early childhood, my family has always found me a little odd. Not because of really anything out of the ordinary, it was mainly because I was a little shyer than my siblings. When they would openly greet people and shake strangers hands, I would hide behind my mom or dad’s legs and pray that I was small enough to go unnoticed.

This became my regular schedule despite reaching an age where that would be considered a little too much. Even at the thought of being in front of a crowd would send me into a shaking frenzy. My eyes would go big my legs would tremor my stomach would drop. It was like the very thought of dealing with anything like that was something that would put me in the grave. My fear seemed to grow as grew. It took up almost every single last bit of my life. So as you can imagine middle school was a living nightmare.

I’m going to skip any parts of elementary because my mom would warn the teachers of my fear and convince them not to force me in-front of the class for any reason.

But in middle school it was different. I can only assume she thought I was prepared to go through life without aide at this point. she thought wrong in this regard. Every single teacher assumed I was like any other student that had stage fright. That I could do it if they could, but alas that hardly happened. The second I was called tot he fronts I would attempt to refuse. or I would stay still and close my eyes and pray that they ignored me. Like a
T-rex to its prey. But on the more confident days of mine, I would actually make it tot he front of the class. I even at times stuttered out a word or two before my body went through its usual routine. I would freeze, the words on my page would blur, the floor would open up, everyone was nothing but giants pairs of judging eyes peering down at me. I was nothing but as insignificant bug ready to be squashed under their shoes.

Then came the shaking.

Some people would call it seizure-like, others demon possession for a short period of time. I went into overdrive, everything became too much or not enough, I could hear a pin drop in Africa, but someone could be shouting in my ear and they would only pick up static and the occasional mumble. Any attempt to pick me up would result in my body seizing and the shaking to get worse. So I would be left until someone called a nurse or a principle, or a friend to help me off the floor, they had things to present this was becoming a common occurrence. But why? Anyone would think that the teachers would have stopped calling on me, or forcing me to do anything after all of that, and you would be correct. I stopped being called on. Teachers hardly looked at me when I meekly put up my hand to answer questions. surprisingly enough I was the one that persisted. I was the one that told them I was capable of during the presentation, or answering the question or reading out-loud. It was possible, it was completely possible, but only to me. No one else saw that after a period so I became my own hype man. I’d practice speaking in the mirror. I’d practice speaking in my room to my stuffed animals, I’d practice while I was laying in bed half asleep. I didn’t stop and I didn’t quit. Because I had a goal. I wanted to stand in front of a class and give a presentation and finish one. Not even make it half way but to finish one in its entirety.

This took my years, literal years, but there is a reason I started it in middle school because it was the first time I actually did it. It was the very first time I stood in front of a class of people and spoke. This was major. Yes I still shook and I still cried and I still needed to be comforted after but I finished that power point and it felt like the whole world had been lifted off my shoulders. I physically wanted to jump up and down and scream out of pure joy.

(I think the only reason really that I finished the power point was because I made a mistake and said “Koo Koo Klan” instead of “Ku Klux Klan” and couldn’t stop laughing.)

That was my very first step into improving my confidence, social skills, and communicative skills as well. 6th to 8th grade was the dawn of a new era for Timera Gaston and I still roll with it today. Yes, i do still have my downfalls and my bad days but overall I think I’ve down way better now that I ever had in the past, and I know for a fact that if little me ever met me now she would be proud, and we’d fist-bump and I’d show her BTS videos so she could have a head start. What I’m saying is that sometimes you have to fail a lot to make an improvement, sometimes you have to inspire yourself to keep reaching for your goals and sometimes all you need is a little misstep down a cliff to find a pot of gold.

Book Review: Artemis Fowl

*Spoiler warning*

This weeks book review I am doing the one and only story of Artemis Fowl. This, in particular, is a series but I am going to be talking about book one. The title, in general, is called Artemis Fowl because, naturally, that’s all you really need for this book. After you start the ride there really is nothing else to capture your attention but a name. A name that you surely will not forget for years to come as you take the journey with this twelve-year-old boy.

Artemis Fowl is a book by Eoin Colfer. The opening pages are almost a warning. It goes on and says that the book was a record kept by someone over the years about Artemis. It continues to say that all of the stories in here were true to some extent and that this is their very first instance where they are face to face with Artemis and will, later on, take many more journeys with the boy. Of course, if you’re young that already peaks your curiosity. How can a little boy, age 12, be so powerful and feared and have a record at such a young innocent age? That’s when the book really begins and with the “warning” under your belt, you dive head first into the life of Artemis Fowl.

It opens up with a chase of sorts, Young Artemis is with his “Butler” a big man with years of special training, sworn to protect Artemis with his life. They are looking for something. we later find out that something is a faerie book. Now already this book is noted to be fantasy. But the way Colfer sets up the world I wouldn’t be surprised if we did see faeries and trolls flying around. Each character in this is crafted meticulous and all of them are stereotypical but also unique in the best ways. Now back tot he story. when Artemis receives this book we finally get a clue into his personality. Artemis is the villain. Which already took me for a spin. We would be following the villain around. But could we sympathize with him in the story? The answer is YES! Through all the horrible terrible things he has done, you constantly see the little things that he is, young, alone, and desperate. We find out that his mother is terribly ill, and that his father is missing (presumably dead) . Those two things are big plot points in later books but for this one, not really. Even as he meets Holly, his captive in the story you still have to side with the villain on some points. Artemis is not truly looking to hurt anyone he only does what is necessary to reach his goal, and what is his goal? Money, the whole plot is to capture a leprechaun to get the gold to restore his family fortune. Of course, he still is rich but why not get a little more? So to not spoil too much. This is a story about a boy getting ready to take the journey of his life. This book is almost a giant exposition leading up to the later ones. The plot is strong but really it is to look at his character and make your assumption about everyone else as well. It’s honestly a great read and if you love fantasy and adventure the rest of the series would be right up your alley.

Half Book Review: “You” Pt.1

You is a book by Caroline Kepnes. This book takes you on the day to day life of a bookstore worker named, Joe Goldberg and his new crush Guinevere Beck. But this isn’t just your typical love story. Joe Godberg is what anyone would call a stalker. The second Beck walks through his bookstore doors he becomes instantly infatuated with the women, and this is where he begins to make his plans to make her his and only his, and his first rule of thumb is to get rid of anyone who stands in his way. Of course, not everthing goes as planned and he has to jump through a lot of hoops to win her over. Not only does he kill her ex-lover to stop her for falling for him again, but he also tries to get rid of Beck’s friend named “Peaches” an African-American rich girl who has also found a almost obsessive fondness for Beck. All the while he tried to justify his action by naming her the stalker and reasoning with himself that he is only doing it for her protection. But between stealing her phone and watching her every move, he starts to realize Beck wasnt all he had built her up to be. He soon finds out that she’s obbsessed with attention and loves to date anyone and everyone who giver ber attention. He also learns that she is a compulisve lair and had been hiding with a major secret for half of her life. With this information his “love” for her only grows. And his simple affectiom starts to take a more demandong tone as he gets her into his grips, and that’s only half the book.

What even are people, Is that some kind of soup?

Oppression is key.

Expression is key is what I actually meant to say but I kept oppression because it just seemed more telling of the computers mental state.

O p p r e s s i o n vs. E x p r e s s i o n

Oppression: prolonged cruel or unjust treatment or control.

Expression : the process of making known one’s thoughts or feelings.

It’s weird how the computer decided to change my words. Technically I did spell expression wrong, but it was only a letter difference. Something meant almost as a creative spew became the line between physical and mental. Right or wrong.

This may not be anything that odd. Sometimes auto-correct gets its wrong. Sometimes you have to fix it yourself.

Yeah….. but what if I didn’t?

What if I continued my original direction of this blog and instead of putting Expression I somehow skipped over the word Oppression and kept it. I know I have a habit of repeating words so I would have put Expression instead of Oppression eventually but the damage would have already been done. No one could say that it was a mistake because I could have intended that to be like that. There is no outside force that could prove I didn’t mean it beside someone walking up and asking me what I actually meant. Because it wouldn’t have made sense. It wouldn’t have had the same message. Even then I technically could have noticed when I proof read my thing later on, but still. It’s a matter of if.

“If” is that small little word that can mean so much and I hate that. It’s always a guessing game a gamble at best and that sucks. There is no stable there is no 100% guarantee. Just brief message of assurance we give ourselves as if something can’t change that in a matter of seconds because apparently screw the thought of not having anything certain.

Anyway this blog go out of hand fast. What I mean to say was that sometimes things don’t go as planned and that can be frustrating and difficult to deal with if you are a person who hates things getting out of hand. This was more of a ramble of sorts because I lost my plan for this blog because my computer shut down. That in a way proved my point because how was I supposed to know my computer would shut down a minute before I finished this blog? I didn’t. This didn’t go as planned and neither does life.

Sometimes your Expression can turn into Oppression and sometimes Oppression is the only way you can show Expression.

;C.o..r .r..u.. .p.t.i.o…n ..;

Seizure Warning: Extreme flashing lights and rapid blinking.

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Scatter(ed) scatter(ed) scat t er (ed) and a ( . .a..)(..r..)(..m..) length away from..~you~

Once upon a time the world glitched. Then stripped static people counted on numbers to be heard. A hundred million people stayed that way and people died that way. Puncturing holes in eye sockets to fit the big screens. Headlight hairs pointed towards the crowd-s morbid curiosity. They all blinked in unison.

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I have always feared the dark

In the dark a hand is not a hand

a hand does not belong to you

a hand does not exist

In the dark each finger is a stranger

they wiggle to poke holes in your skin

Each one betting on who can scar the most

each toe a long lost relative

They stand at attention and in the dark

they rage war on the bed-sheets

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Mr. Man didn’t believe in good luck.

He promised me fifty gold coins if i could do a back flip off a cliff

I lowered the bet to twenty five.

He asked why.

“I don’t need fifty when i’m dead”

he said Yes but why twenty five?

I didn’t want to answer that question

so i jumped

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The flight was great.

The food was like heaven on a platter

The boys and the girls were wonderful

Munching on the high atmosphere like a last meal

The soft shatter of windows and the implosions were electrifying

my toes wiggled in the confides of my metal shoes

The seat belt tugged up my neck

My ears bounced from my head

It was my first time flying.

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Her kisses were sweet

Every rapid touch of parted lips sent cavities to my core

my sticky fingers tangled in a mass of curly chocolate hair

Or teeth smacked bubble gum tongues

We rolled in the mass of too sweet sweets dripping sugar

and canes

rows of attentive buyers lined the streets

eye wide and sapping

hands itching-twitching on jumpy legs

fingers flying down rough material

and clutching flimsy paper bags

Bells chimed in time

each count ticking down flashing shutters

frigid palms gathered old candies

and bodies bounced around bodies

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.Blood. – .Red. – .Hues.

The talk of the town

is covered in red

and pink dripping sin

Laced too tight across

bouncing a chest

The man of the house

cross eyed and bushy tailed

his hair flops across his eyes

frail fingers lace in the bounding locks

and tussles the disobedience out of wolves

we call those women

(Read this like you’re going to fall of a cliff. Read it like you’re frantic, out of control, unstoppable)

Some girls love girls and boys, and some boys like girls and boys And some people like other people who are different. That may seem crazy, insane, foreign and new, but surprise! surprise! It happens. Sometimes the infinity to love both seems like too much. That it conflicts with your ideas, or you as a person, or the very things you’re supposed to reject comes from being gay. Or any other word some people choose to put out there. For some time now I’ve been battling. And it’s been hard and I have lost at times and won at times and pushed myself to a breaking point others times too. And at my lowest, I have crawled back up tooth and nail and cried and almost puked and torn my mind to shreds about things like this. Then I came to a realization so destructive that it border-lined insanity. I was going to tell the world i was gay. Which involved my parents. But how could I do that? What would happen? Who should be present? Should I make arrangements just in case I get kicked out? What could I do for money or for food or college or a job? The thoughts played cat and mouse over and over again and I couldn’t even begin to explain the sudden need to not exist on planet earth for a maybe a month or three so I wouldn’t have to make this decision. Then out of nowhere came an idea from the heavens and crafted by demons because both had to have a part to even think this up. I’ll write a blog. WOW! That was extremely anticlimactic Tim-era, do better next time. Wait! hold on not just any blog post. No. A post for experiences I have had to deal with and things that I feel like I need them to know. And I’ll send this blog post to them senior year. Not now of course because that would be disastrous, to say the least, but, coming up to graduation and when I did I would hope and pray they would show up after and if not……. I would know what they felt. Because I can’t seem to stay hidden anymore.The Gay jokes are starting to get pesky. The hiding is becoming deter mentally. The wishing to be anything but this is beginning to be pointless and as I grow older, and as I get a better idea of what is happening I can no longer do this and I hope they’ll understand, and yeah there’s a chance they won’t, but I can try and maybe fail with confidence. I owe myself that at least.

I have no idea what this is but i feel like it’s important.

Two days ago from now i did a thing, and it was a normal thing. A thing that if anyone were to ask would know that it happened but if not then wouldn’t. It was one of those things that cross your mind for a second and then fades through the day until it’s brought up again. Which it hardly is. Things like that are left unsaid. Those things are sacred. A little secret between yourself and maybe one other person depending on the type of day. This thing was hard of course. I felt like I would burst into a million pieces as if my skin would burn off. This thing was intense. This thing made me wonder briefly why I did anything but cemented my role just the same. This thing brings me curiosity. So much curiosity that I pick it apart day by day until I’m left feeling alone. This thing is monstrous. This things pick me up by the hair and swings me around until I’m too dizzy to get back up again. This thing is so neutral that I couldn’t even blame it for the faults that it causes because those faults are only faults in certain lighting. Then again everything seems better in the dark. This thing seems to strive there. I And I don’t mean the darkness in you’re mind. No, this thing isn’t that deep. But it could be if applied right. Then again I don’t think I ever apply this thing correctly. This thing is a mystery. A mystery only solved by time and space and people. Words exchanging. Exchanging this thing with the person to animal to alien to anything that’s willing to exist in its presence. It’s a troubled thing. It finds what it needs most no means of its own but then again I don’t know. I can never tell what the purpose of this thing is but I believe that it isn’t trying to cause harm. It doesn’t want to end things it just wants to go and move through life like water to a stream. It wants to be free to do what it chooses. Then it chooses to live in a cage. This thing contradicts. This thing holds out secrets like gold and then it’s picked clean. This things wonders why people would do such a thing. But it knows why. It knows what it also doesn’t. that thing is best left unsaid, because i don’t think i could give it a name. Or at least not yet.